This is how it all began…

July 2, 2008 Digital Art, Monkey Robot Army 2 Comments

Robots

July 1, 2008 Monkey Robot Army 2 Comments

So, lately I’ve had an arguably unhealthy obsession with the number four New Zealand digi-folk-pop duo, Flight of the Conchords.  Regular readers will remember that I paid way too much to see them live in San Francisco about a month ago.  Honestly, I think these guys can do no wrong at the moment.  these sentements have led some close friends to question weather my feelings are entirely appropriate (why can’t a heterosexual guy think a heterosexual guy’s booty is fly) (that might sound bad to those of you unfamiliar with the Conchords, but I don’t care).  Anyhow, the point is, they admit to a gross miscalculation in terms of when they thought the robotic uprising would occur.  I am inclined to forgive them for this mistake simply because, unlike so many people in the world, they have there eyes OPEN and they know it’s COMING, even if they aren’t sure when…

Hang in there guys.  It’s coming real soon.

Clinton steps down, offers warning

June 7, 2008 Monkey Robot Army 2 Comments

After a long and sometimes bitter Democratic primary struggle, Senator Clinton conceded the race to her rival, frontrunner Barak Obama, Saturday morning.  Clinton cited the impending invasion of an army of monkey robots as her primary reason for stepping out of the race.  “The monkeys are coming, anyway.  I’ll leave that mess for Senator Obama,” she said during her concession speech.

During the forty-five minute speech, she endorsed Obama as the candidate most prepared to deal with the robo-simian threat.

Senator McCain, long rumored to be a monkey robot himself, denied the invasion.  “Even if this invasion were true, which it isn’t, I would be better than Obama at dealing with monkey robots for two reason. First, because I am very old and monkeys respect their elders.  And second, because I speak with the emotional zeal of a robot.”

Former president Bill Clinton said he has known about the invasion since the mid-90s, when he was briefed on the top secret information during an intelligence meeting.  Shortly after leaving office, he began construction of several secure fallout shelters where he and his family would be able to weather the attack.

Senator Clinton said she will be spending the next months and maybe years in the compound the Clintons refer to as NO.MUNC-E, or Northern Ohio Monkeyless UNderground Compound-E (compounds A thru D have already been overrun).

Bill Clinton described the compound as “exactly like the Bushes’ Crawford Ranch in Texas, only it’s under ground. And there aren’t any monkeys.”

Senator Clinton will retire to NO.MUNC-E where she intends to be President over a close circle of friends, advisors, and impassioned supporters.  She invited Obama to join her as her Vice President. 

Ads? On the MRA?!

June 3, 2008 Monkey Robot Army, Uncategorized 1 Comment

I know.  What gives, right?  Well, if there is anything living in Japan for two years taught me it was how to be a consumer whore and that commerce makes the world go round.  The ads contribute to an unrealistic feeling of self-importance in this ethereal world of faceless opportunists.  Besides, the Army needs funding if we are to continue to grow.  I did my best to make them inconspicuous; they really blend right into the site.  In fact, you might not have even noticed the change.  All of this just goes to show I am an absolutely hopeless business man and don’t understand the first rule of advertising at all.

But the real perk is the ads google assumes my readers would be interested in, based on the content of my site.  I mean, “pet monkey,” “robot army,” “build your own robot monkey.”  Who wouldn’t wanna click on that?

The Revolution has Just Been Televised.

May 30, 2008 Monkey Robot Army 2 Comments

At last, my plan is coming to fruition. And through no effort of my own. My pawns at the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University have successfully demonstrated what we here at MonekyRobotArmy have known for years, that monkeys are able to control a robotic arm through sensors implanted in their brains. The scientists who spearheaded the project showed that the monkeys were able to distinguish between large and small pieces of food and use the arm to select which they preferred. My only question is, why limit yourselves to arms? What about death rays and battleaxes? Trust me, it’s only a matter of time. We all knew it was coming.
Experts say that this is a breakthrough in robotic prosthetics for people who have suffered spinal injuries — a technology that will be especially useful in making life easier for the injured soldiers returning from their service in Iraq and Afghanistan. Useful for people, sure, but what about monkeys, I ask? By the time this technology is ready for humans, monkeys will have a HUGE head start, and then watch out!

Props to one of my main peeps, Successless, for the heads up!